why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
