she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
