She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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