So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
