im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
