Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
