im six kinds of drunk right now
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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