so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
