Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
