I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
