chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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