Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
