everyone is single if you try hard enough
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
