I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
