The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
