i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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