T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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