i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
