Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
