i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
