guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
