my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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