Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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