Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
