yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
