My Higher Power is John Stamos
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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