Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize