Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You're like the curious george of whores
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
