miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
