Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
