Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
