I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I smell like Dick and happiness
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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