I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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