i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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