Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
