just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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