I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
