My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
