Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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