Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i barfeds in our rink
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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