you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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