I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
