and next time when you feel me up, do it right
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
