the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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