in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just gargled with NyQuil
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
