see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
