a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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