My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
