so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize