I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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