is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
