I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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