I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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