never play flip cup with pint glasses
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
