P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize