Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
