True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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