guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
