Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
