I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
