theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
