My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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