Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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